Having spent a few months last year between jobs, I did quite a bit of job searching. And when you do any extended job searching, you will end up talking to a recruiter. They speak in an odd and cryptic language, and generally are totally useless. Of the two dozen different recruiters I spoke to, I had only one interview. Sadly, that's a pretty good success rate.

So if you're ever out of work (Hey, guys at SS, pay attention) here's a handy guide to figuring out the recruiter's doublespeak.

• You seem like a great fit for the position, can you send your resume over - This means that the recruiter only has a vauge idea of who you are, and no idea about any of your skills. You're a great fit in that you can speak and articulate, but that's as far as they'll go.

• It's a chance to be really involved with the process - If you were hired, you'd be the third coder. The three of you would be doing the work of 12. Management is inept, and you'd be putting out fires and saving customer contracts yourself.

• Unique learning opportunity - The last programmers quit suddenly (see above) and nobody knows how the code works anymore. You'd be expected to reverse engineer it and add new features at the same time.

• Good benefits - The pay stinks. They make up for it by giving you a deceptively good benefits plan. Don't be fooled.

• Good Salary - Your only benefit is a free copy of the Entertainment coupon book when you start.

• Competitive Environment - You may not believe this one, but I had a recruiter try to sell me on this. A very high paced brokerage firm was pitched as a really competitive environment, with a lot of brokers and traders running around. When asked what this meant for programmers, I was told that programmers get yelled at when things go wrong. Solar flares, eclipses, rain, power outages. Burn the witches.

• Travel Opportunities - You'll spend weeks on end living out of cockroach infested motels installing software for customers who barely tolerate your being there. Also, your food allowance will be of the "ramen noodles and generic soda" type.

• You'll need to come in and take a test - This is death. The tests usually can't be prepared for, and most of the time they're absolutely useless. Quick, what are all the methods on the class AWTKeyStroke? Don't know? That will cost you.

• You'll need to come in for an interview with us first - Basically, as a recruiter, I'm worse than most. I enjoy the feeling of having people come in and beg me to think about sending their resume to a company. I enjoy the feeling of power over human beings that I can manufacture in this job. Either that, or I really want to do a lunch interview and expense it.

• Sorry, but they want someone with J2SE experience, and you have Java2 and J2EE listed - I'm a moron. Altho I am placing people for a Java programming position, I don't know exactly what J2SE is, otherwise I wouldn't be telling you this. I hope I get hit by a bus so I will no longer torment programmers in this manner.

• I found your resume on monster - Along with 580 other resumes, and I'm calling one by one until I finds me a match.

• I received your resume regarding the position I've listed on monster - Yours and about 1500 others. See above.

There are more examples of recruiter speak, but those are the most common phrases. Learn to recognize them, and you'll be safe.

And if you really want that job, find a friend. If a friend says to you, "I've got a position that you'd be a fit for. Although your ability to arrive on time is non-existent and your fondness for dollar store junk is somewhat frightening, I trust that you'll do a good job and not end up fucking me over. When can you start?" You're in. Grab your box of junk and move into your box that you sit in(cube).