The New Jersey parkway, which I've gone on about before, is kind of like a wonderful high speed Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome type deal. It's strictly a survival of the fittest, every man for himself thing. There's no mercy, and no quarter given.

Speed limits exist on the parkway more as suggestions. 55 somehow morphs into 70 during rush hour. There are cops on the parkway, and they have their hiding spots, but generally everyone slams on the brakes for the 500 feet which the cop can see them as they drive by. It's a respect thing. If you slow down to 65 while the cop is around, he'll feel no need to ticket you.

Sometimes, however, the troopers have to drive on the parkway. I believe they hate this as much as the people who have to slow down behind them do. Again, the 500 feet rule applies... if the cop is doing 80, you do 75 at least 500 feet behind and honor is satisified on all sides.

Occasionally you'll want to speed without the benefit of a traffic cloud. Don't! If you're going to speed on an empty road, you need a remora fish*. A good remora fish is a car that the cops would rather pull over than you. The following are great examples...

• Any car with a whale tail spoiler that looks like it was made from an erector set.
  
• Any car with a neon glow coming from the underside.
  
• Any car that's expensive and everyone knows it. Cars such as Infiniti's, BMWs, Audis and Porsches are great.
  
• Any car that looks like it was made from 3 other cars.
  
• Any car with darkly tinted windows, or tons of decals proclaiming a love for "JOE'S MOBIL VIDEO".
  
• SUVs. SUVs are overpriced and cost a fortune to fill at the pump. Therefore the drivers can easily pay tickets. Cops know this. Hummers are almost guaranteed to get tickets just by existing.
  

And there are cars that you don't want as a remora fish. Cars such as....

• Humble cars. Anything that's basic transportation and not too flashy. Good examples are Grand AMs, Accords, Tauruses.
  
• Sad cars. Not to be confused with cars that look like they're unsafe for the road, sad cars are typically the '91 cavaliers, the '93 civics, the '94 excels of the world. No self respecting cop would stick the poor soul driving that vehicle with a ticket. They do have mercy after all!
  

So there you go. Some tips and tips to being a Ironbar on the parkway.

* - Although the 8 species of remora look like ordinary fish they have on their underside, where the dorsal fin would otherwise be, a large sucker. Using this sucker, remora fish attach themselves to larger sea creatures, most often sharks. It is assumed that the remora fish attaches for a means of easy transportation. Remoras are known to attach to the hulls of ships as well