Hey... Who's this?

Is it Moammar Gadhafi the once bad guy, now good guy ruler of Libya? Or is it that crazy italian lady you think is named Rita who keeps talking to the tomatos in the supermarket?

Are you really so sure?

For some reason the thought occured to me that they need some kind of annual Spam awards show. Everything else in the friggin universe has an awards show (The Video Game Awards, the Industrial Strength Wood Pulper Awards, etc.). Why not Spam?

Really consider this a moment. You could have the "Best Nigerian Spam of 2004" award. Imagine the tension as they would list all the candidates. Imagine the elation as you'd finally get to see the real MRS M MOBUTU SESE-SEKO. How much fun would that be?

Lacking a spam awards show on a proper cable network, here's my own 10 best spams of 2004.

10) Las-Vegas at Home! from Allahabad A. Overlord. No content, but gets in on the sheer strength of the sender.

9) Help from MRS. M SESE-SEKO. Sheer persistence gets her into the list. The number of emails denies her a higher placment. Here's a tip SESE-SEKO, Quality not Quantity!

8) Fwd: Got Pills? We Prescribe Online and Shipped To Your Door with No Prescriptio... from Jeanie King, Marvin Benoit, Scott Ransom, Tamara Reid, and a cast of thousands. Stop sending me the same fucking spam! At least alter the message a little. Anything!

7) Is a Franchise for you? from JSN Career News. JSN Career News, a franchise is not for me. Stop asking.

6) MAKE $$$$ WORKING AT HOME ... .. owyaviqmev83892 from Jumbo Boner. Jumbo assures me that this is not a get rich quick scheme. If you're interested, drop me a line and I'll hook you up with Jumbo.

5) Fw: Balance Due, account from Belinda Bradley. Belinda, you're an asshole. You made me think I forgot to pay my credit card. I hope you rot in hell.

4)Our top-of-the-line player can be yours for life! from RealPlayer. Great, where's the linux version?

3) burnham hdrmeneutic wftgs from Emmett Swenson. usuryarchaurasaiyoz o i al uqn a hxtl chlxtbe to you too Emmett!

2) HI jc ????????????? 1 from cat. Cat, I have no idea what you're saying. Speak the english? Hablas espanol? No? Bugger off then.

1) Are you ready for the commercial refi boom? from chris@brokerprooffice. Chris, stop fucking sending me these emails. For christ's sake stop. Your opt out function is a cruel joke. I beg of you, stop!

Sears has this really stupid "If you're not happy, we'll give you your money back" policy. I guess they thought it'd really make people happy and inspire people to buy with confidence. The dimwits who thought it up probably never really considered the hell it would cause.

One guy has always kinda stuck with me. He had bought one of those old "not quite a computer, but too advanced to be a typewriter" type dealies to do his schoolwork. Which would have been great, if he had any idea how to use it. He was always bringing the entire unit back and asking for advice on things like "How does the disc go in again"?

And he was insane. Utterly insane.

So one day he had done something to the unit, really messed it up good. And he had a paper due. So the stress of having really messed the unit up (at this point, it was discontinued) and having a paper due really sent him over the edge.

It's too bad we didn't notice that.

I guess the first clue would have been when he started laughing. For no reason that we could figure out, at least. I guess whatever he had just said in his little conversation with Stalin and DeGaulle was really funny or something. So he really let out a nice laugh.

Nice like psycho killer nice.

I wasn't really involved in any of this, just trying to keep my distance and figure out how to hook up some new stereo system or something. But apparently I started laughing at him, because he looked over at me and asked, "Why are you smiling at me?" In a not very happy way.

I spent the next 20 minutes in the break room. Hey, can ya blame me? He did know Stalin after all.