Over the last year, I've flown 4 times. Twice to San Francisco, once to Atlanta, and once to Cleveland. Of those 4 times, I've flown first class once, to Atlanta. As a sort of public service thing, I'd like to share some travel tips.

If you're fat, buy a ticket to first class. I mean, obviously you can afford to shove greasy food down your gullet, so you can suck it up and just buy a first class ticket. I don't want your freakin 250 lb frame shoved into an economy seat next to me during a 6 hour flight to San Francisco. Besides, the food is much better up there.

If at any point you think to yourself, "I wonder if this will fit in the overhead bin," I've got your answer.

No. It just won't fit.

Seriously, what the hell gives people the idea that their guitar, trunk, small block V8, etc., will fit in the overhead compartment. It is *not* magically larger on the inside than the outside.

What's truly amazing about this is that it's not an isolated thing, but on every flight I see tons of people trying to do the exact same thing. I've never been on a flight where I haven't heard the "The overhead bins are full, if you have an item you need to check, please bring it forward."

Like, just for example, on my last flight, I was sitting in my seat, when a guy in his mid 50s dropped a newspaper in the seat next to mine. Fine... at least he wasn't fat. But he was carrying a trunk.

So he attacks the overhead compartment directly behind me. I hear stuff flying, pounding, etc. Now the woman sitting behind me, barely spoke english. Her stuff went flying. I heard her say in this heavily german accented english, "oh... please be careful this is my things". Meanwhile, I'm covered with her scarves, and the guy seems convinced that he can fit 14cu. ft of cargo into a 6 cu. ft space.

Somehow, after holding up the boarding process for 5 minutes, he did.

After he sat next to me, he realized he was in the wrong row. So we started the process over again.

Yeah, I'm talking about you... the guy in the Pink Shirt who flew from SFO to NWE on Friday morning.

Get a clue, please. You came close to being lynched by an angry line of people who wanted on the plane.

The rest of you, check your friggin luggage.